Life's not Fair....Get Over It

A constant search for inequality will always yield positive results, except where your mental well-being is concerned.

Diversity, differences, the uniqueness of lived experiences. These are the things that social justice advocates encourage us to celebrate while at the same time endlessly pointing out the “problematic” existence of disparities and differential outcomes with calls that they must be eliminated. First, it is impossible to have both. If we were somehow able to eliminate differences, then diversity and unique experience would cease to exist because we’d all be the same. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, it is impossible to eliminate all disparities. I have previously argued that much of the current woke ideology is profoundly harmful and this endless focus on disparities as a sign of injustice is just another piece. While working to reduce true injustice, such as unsafe working conditions or actual discrimination, can be a good thing, the pathological focus on disparities and disparate outcomes is misguided and psychologically unhealthy.

Life for everyone is a complex mix of up and downs, struggles and celebrations. Amid these different journeys is a universal truth, one we all should all come to terms with: life is not fair. Railing endlessly against this reality will not change it and the inability to accept it will do nothing to further one’s growth. Sure, this realization may seem disheartening at first, but accepting this fundamental fact is essential for cultivating a healthy mindset. In this post, we will explore why life is inherently unfair and why embracing this truth is crucial for our well-being.

Life is Unfair, Get Over It

Did you get to pick your parents? Did you get to decide whether or not to be born? Did you determine what country you were born in? Obviously, the answer to these questions, and many more related to fundamental aspects of your existence, is “no.” As such, from the very beginning, life is not fair. And, even if you were able to make these choices, life would still not be fair because some of us would make better choices than others. And, even if we all made the same choices, or had them made for us, we would still not all end up in the same place. That’s what diversity is all about and this should be celebrated, in contrast to the unsophisticated, identity-related diversity that is currently favored.

We can break down a few fundamental principles to help understand why life is unfair:

1. The Nature of Randomness: We can consider life like a game of chance, where some are dealt a favorable hand, and others start off with a 2-7, offsuit. Many aspects of our lives are influenced by randomness. We don't choose our genetic makeup, the family we are born into, or the place and time of our birth. These factors play a significant role in shaping our opportunities and the specific challenges we’ll encounter. As a specific example, I am an identical twin who had been hospitalized for multiple medical ailments but my sister hasn’t. That’s just luck of the draw (for her that is). : )

2. The Diversity of Experiences: Life does not unfold according to a specific playbook that is the same for everyone. Each person's journey is unique, shaped by a myriad of variables such as the choices they make, the societal influences they are exposed to, and a variety of external and random events. Each step in the chain will open and close a new set of possibilities, like each choice in a “choose your own adventure” book. Sometimes these experiences work out in ways we want or surprise us with a positive but sometimes they don’t. Some people will have more things work out for them in positive ways and others less so. As a consequence, each of us will end up in a unique place, some better, some worse.

3. The Illusion of Control: We often believe that we have more control over our lives than we actually do. While we can influence certain aspects of our circumstances through our actions and decisions, we cannot control everything. Unexpected events, economic fluctuations, and natural disasters are just a few examples of factors beyond our control that can significantly impact our lives. Accepting the limits of our control and anticipating unfairness is key to putting effort and energy into those things over which we do have influence. See more below.

4. The Fallacy of Comparisons: Comparing our lives to others' can lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment if we believe that they are more fortunate than us. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that someone else's success or fortune means that we have been treated unfairly. However, such comparisons are often oversimplified and fail to consider the complexities of individual experiences and the role that action or inaction taken by both your target and you might have made in affecting your endpoints. As an observer, you don’t have access to the myriad experiences of your target nor do you have a sense of how they view their situation. What looks great from the outside might seem like a struggle from within.

Resilience and Growth

So, life is unfair. So what? Accepting this is the first step to making this realization work for you. Embracing the unfairness of life is liberating. It allows us to focus on what we can change and improve upon, rather than dwelling on what we cannot control. A healthy mindset acknowledges that adversity and challenges are part of the human experience and views them as opportunities for growth and resilience. When we accept that life is not always fair, we can adapt and thrive in the face of adversity.

1.       Growth Comes Through Adversity

Life's unfairness often manifests in the form of challenges and obstacles. While these can be discouraging, they also provide opportunities for personal growth and resilience and allow us to see the power we have that we never would have uncovered on our own. When we face adversity, we have the chance to develop problem-solving skills, adaptability, emotional control and perseverance. These abilities enable us to take on new challenges with strength and confidence, making us more resilient as we move forward. (They also make us much more interesting by giving us better stories to tell.)

2.       Cultivating Gratitude and Contentment

Accepting life's unfairness can also help us cultivate gratitude and contentment. When we acknowledge that life is not always just, we can better appreciate the moments of joy, love, and success that come our way. Gratitude for the positive aspects of our lives can lead to increased happiness and overall well-being. See more below.

3.       Empowering Yourself to Create Change

While life may not always be fair, it doesn't mean we should resign ourselves to passivity. Accepting life's unfairness can actually be a motivating force for positive change. When we recognize injustices in the world, we can become advocates for change and work towards creating a fairer society, while recognizing that there will always be situations of inequality. Taking action where appropriate can lead to personal empowerment and help us to make a difference in the lives of others and in our own.

Conclusion

Everyone’s life is filled with unpredictable twists and turns, some good luck and likely a lot of bad. It is rarely fair by our own subjective standards and never fair in objective reality. As we’ve discussed, understanding and accepting this fundamental truth is essential for maintaining a healthy mindset. Embracing life's inequities empowers us to let go of the need for constant fairness, frees us from bean counting and a tit-for-tat accounting that causes us to seek out signs of unfairness, helps us cultivate empathy for others, and generates a focus on personal growth and resilience. By doing so, we position ourselves to navigate life's challenges with grace and can learn to appreciate challenges for the opportunities they are. Don’t let yourself get mired down in the constant search for inequalities, they will always be there. Instead, orient yourself toward the power of mindset rooted in this knowledge: given that life is not fair, it’s up to you to make the most of it.

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