Ownership for Optimization
You don't have to, you choose to...and keeping this in mind is key for better outcomes
We’ve all done it—complained about our obligations or made an excuse for letting someone down by uttering the phrase “I have to.” Of course, everyone has commitments such as those related to work, family, friends or even personal health. These commitments vary in importance, to both ourselves and to others and their relative importance can also vary over time. Regardless of domain, we often find ourselves feeling like our behavior is situationally controlled, that our obligations rather than our choices dictate our behavior. Defaulting to “I have to” reinforces the idea that someone or something else is at the helm.
While not ignoring the reality that the level of situational constraint placed on our behavior is variable and complex, it’s important to understand how impactful a simple shift in mindset can be. It’s about taking ownership of the choices we make and the consequences of those choices, for our own outcomes and in our interactions with those we care about. Enter the phrase “I choose to.” This subtle change in wording - from “have” to “choose” - can have a profound impact on our sense of responsibility for our behavior, in turn influencing our motivation, relationship quality and overall well-being.
Owning Your Choices Optimizes Your Power
It begins the with power of choice, because at the core of this shift is acknowledging that you have control of your behavior and bear the responsibility for the consequences of the choices you make. When you say, “I have to,” you’re implying a lack of control, as if external forces are dictating your actions. It’s a weak position to take and fosters resentment and helplessness when you are faced with competing pulls for your time and attention. In your interactions with others, using the phrase signals that you have difficulty managing priorities, aren’t willing to own your actions and lack a willingness to compromise.
When you shift to “I choose to,” you acknowledge your autonomy and agency. It reminds you that you are actively making decisions in your life. This recognition of choice is empowering and can boost your motivation and engagement. It also helps you make better decisions moving forward, adjusting your time and effort more effectively for both addressing both the tasks and relationships that matter to you.
Your Responsibilities, Your Rewards
Responsibilities often come with a sense of obligation. However, reframing these responsibilities as choices can change how you view them. Consider the difference between “I have to go to work” and “I choose to go to work.” The former sounds like a chore, while the latter implies that there is a reason for your behavior, one that lies within you—be it financial stability, career growth, or personal fulfillment. This shift can make even mundane tasks feel more meaningful and less burdensome when you start to understand the why behind your actions.
Consider too that when you use “I have to” as an excuse for your behavior, you are giving up your role in managing shared responsibilities. Acknowledging that your behavior is a choice makes it harder for you to shirk the obligations you have to others, so it is often used as a ready excuse when we let someone down. Outsourcing responsibility for your actions is a way to let yourself off the hook for failing to meet obligations in competing domains. This mindset won’t help you resolve conflict and doesn’t leave space for compromise. Acknowledging your choices allows you to be more open to adjustments, promoting behaviors directed toward manifesting more of what matters to you. Taking responsibility helps orient you to making adjustments to gain more rewarding experiences and navigate relationship challenges more effectively.
Fostering Resilience
Saying “I choose to” requires that you take ownership of it. This sense of ownership fosters accountability and a proactive attitude that promotes better self-management. Instead of allowing yourself to feel like a victim of circumstance, you recognize that you are in control of your actions and that you influence the outcomes you experience. As a consequence, you become empowered and motivated to take action. This can lead to better decision-making, improved problem-solving skills, and a more positive attitude toward managing challenges.
It can also help you to be more resilient in the face of hardship. If you recognize the role you play in situations, you are less likely to feel victimized by undesirable outcomes. Resilience is founded on a realistic recognition of agency. By acknowledging the choices you make, you are better suited to view yourself as an active agent during times of struggle and thus to see yourself as one who can effectively move past or through the rough patches you encounter. Defaulting to “I have to” is disempowering and leaves you impotent to change.
Highlighting Your Competing Goals
When you adopt the attitude of “I have to,” you let yourself feel constrained, which can create stress and anxiety. Conversely, embracing your choices can reduce these negative feelings. When you acknowledge that you are choosing to engage in certain activities, you can approach them with a more positive mindset. The onerousness of an obligation is lessened when we view it as a means to an end of value. This shift can enhance your overall sense of well-being and satisfaction because you acknowledge that your effort is directed by you. Even difficult tasks can become more manageable when you view them as part of a larger, chosen goal.
Optimization also requires that you consider the way that competing goals might intersect and develop a strategy to navigate them collectively with greater efficacy. For example, if you claim multiple “I have tos” that are not compatible, this will create conflict across domains, fostering negativity and avoidance. Saying “I choose to” instead situates you to reconceptualize the way that different decisions impact others and helps you to develop increased awareness of how to more effectively manage your diverse priorities.
Practical Steps to Implement and Optimize
A full mindset shift takes time and practice, but here are a few steps to get started.
Increase Self-Awareness: Start by paying attention to your language. Notice how often you say “I have to” and in what contexts. This will help you to better understand when you outsource control and provide you with information that you can use to further interrogate the “whys” of your choices.
Reframe and Reflect: When you catch yourself saying “I have to,” pause and rephrase it to “I choose to.” Then, reflect on the reasons behind your choices. Consider the consequences for doing or not doing that particular activity. What are the consequences of choosing to do it at a different time or in a different way? Are the choices you are currently making getting you closer to your goals? Asking these questions helps to identify your agency and areas where adjustment might be warranted.
Focus on Impact: Every choice we make has consequences and it’s important to keep in mind that the consequence in one domain may also carry over to others. For example, if you choose to take a work call after hours, that helps you look good to colleagues but likely not so good in the eyes of your partner. In such situations, reflect on why you made the choice you did? Whose feelings and impressions matter and why? Doing so helps to avoid the pull to absolve yourself of considering your impact on others.
Consider Your Priorities: When you default to “I have to” think about what this suggests about what you value and prioritize. Why do certain obligations take precedence? What might this suggest about your goals? Do you like the message your behavioral choices are sending to others? Are your choices in alignment with your values? If there is a discrepancy, consider the steps you need to make for realignment.
In sum, changing your language from “I have to” to “I choose to” is the small first step in a mindset shift that can lead to significant change in how you perceive and engage with your life. This shift fosters a sense of empowerment, responsibility, and acknowledgement of your agency. By recognizing your choices, you can better position yourself to identify and make adjustments to ensure that you are working toward valued goals and considering your impact on others. So next time you catch yourself saying, “I have to,” take a moment to reframe it and embrace the power of choice.
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